It has been several days now that I’ve been unable to spend much time out of bed or doing anything constructive. At night, I have insomnia and then when finally fall asleep, waking up is very painful, and I remain stuck for hours in this state devoid of energy and drive. I feel guilty and ashamed to be spending so much time in bed, not even able to focus long enough to read more than three or four pages per day, and being compulsive about email-checking, which in some way I think makes me feel less lonely.
I’m a bit scared because it reminds me of me two years ago at the same time of the year, and that spiral down ended in a hospital bed…
But not this time! This time I’m stronger and older and more experienced and I’ve lived more and know myself better. This time I will be ok.
Yesterday I found this quote on a blog: “No one should assume that it is safe to just stop taking drugs. It’s a huge commitment and responsibility. I would say that in my case it is a calling. I was on 11 mg of Risperdal, 200 mg Zoloft, 50 mg Seroquel, 400 mg Lamictal and 3 mg of Klonopin (up to 6 mg PRN) and in the end a variety of stimulants. You have to be called to get off all that. It is a vocation. No joke.”
I really like the concept of “a calling” to describe the decision and process of coming off the psychiatric-pharmaceutical complex. It isn’t simply like quitting smoking or changing a habit, it is an existential decision, it is a battlecry. Being diagnosed with a serious psychiatric condition and choosing to un-medicate means questioning the absolute nature of the diagnosing, reevaluating your symptoms in light of the socio-economic and cultural conditions of their existence. It means that you are going to fail and fall down and screw up a thousand times and that you know it and that you’re going to try anyways. It means knowing you are going blind on untravelled routes. It means you’re breaking new ground. It means going against all odds. It means you don’t know you’ll get there, you could lose your way completely. You could even give up at some point, go back on meds and then start all, over again. In fact, you probably will.